Sometimes I feel like I live in a bad BBC sitcom

Scene: A scruffy GP surgery, south east London, one hot Friday afternoon in May. The librarian has gone for an initial check up to see if she will be lucky enough to be allowed to join this practice...

Doctor: Do you smoke cigarettes?
Librarian: No.
Doctor: Really? (Raises eyebrow in a 'I don't believe you young lady' manner)
Librarian: Yes, really.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Librarian: Yes.
Doctor: How much?
Librarian: Well, that depends, maybe on a Friday or Saturday night.
Doctor: On a Friday and a Saturday night? (Again with the raised eyebrows)
Librarian: God no! Friday or Saturday. How rich do you think I am?
Doctor: Well, how much do you drink then?
Librarian: It depends, I sometimes go for weeks without an alcoholic drink. The last time I had a drink was Saturday night, I had three rum and cokes
Doctor: That's not an alcoholic drink.
Librarian: Rum is an alcoholic drink.
Doctor: Oh. Right. Lets weigh and measure you.

Doctor weighs and measures Librarian. She is same weight and height that she wrote on the form she filled in to join this practice, two weeks ago. Funny that.

Doctor: Now, we need to take a urine sample.
Librarian: I have one with me (thinks: because your receptionist gave me two sample jars and told me to bring one. How much does she think I wee?)
Doctor: Oh, you do?
Librarian: Yes, I always have a spare one in my handbag (boom boom!).

The Doctor looks a little worried. The Librarian thinks he may not have got the joke.
A while later...

Doctor: Is there any history of asthma, diabetes or heart disease in your family?
Librarian: No asthma, but my dad has type II diabetes, and there is heart disease on my mums side of the family (thinks: 'I'm doomed!')
Doctor: Any incidences of heart disease or angina before the age of 60?
Librarian: Yes, my grandad had angina before he was 60, my uncle died in his 40's and another uncle had a heart bypass in his 50's.
Doctor: (Looks at Librarian in an accusing manner, like he is Miss Marple and she is the butler) How do you know this?
Librarian: (Has look of dismay on her face, as if to say 'what?!') Because they are my family, and we talk to each other.
Doctor: Yes, but how do you know about your grandfather? This must have been 50 years ago.
Librarian: (A little insulted that the GP thinks she is a lot older than she looks). My grandad did die when I was very young, but I know because they are my family and we've talked about these things.
Doctor: Thank you that will be all.

Exit stage left a very bemused Librarian.

Know it all

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It is 28 degrees outside. It's the last week of May. I refer you to my earlier posting of April 27th, 'The sun has got his hat on'.

I know everything.

You have been warned.

Grumpy girl

Ooh, I'm in a grump today! If you see a growly librarian on your way home, don't be scared, it's only me.

I was temporarily lifted from my grump by three songs on my way to work this morning. Even though I had chosen them myself on the old MP3 player less than forty minutes previously, as my short-term memory is rubbish I was totally suprised when they came on, and I'm glad I was 'cus it right proper cheered me up.

And those songs are:

1. Pearl Jam - Jeremy. I noticed this morning that it is impossible to sing along to this without doing the growly Eddie Vedder voice. Even when I was just singing along in my head I was doing it. A bit like how whenever you sing along to Guns'n'Roses you have to do the Axl voice.

2.Terrorvision - Pretend Best Friend. I love Terrorvision, they make me laugh so much! This song in particular cheers me up as it reminds me not only of the time that I tried to pursuade my sister to do something for me by performing a dance outside her bedroom to this song over and over until she caved in, but also of seeing Terrorvision at the Reading Festival when Tony Terrorvision was so drunk that he fell over sideways (like the leaning tower of Pisa) half way through this song, stood up looking a bit confused, in a 'where am I?' kinda way, shouted 'waaayyyyyy' then carried on where he had left off with the singing. Class. It was so funny. I guess you had to be there.

3. Mighty Mighty Bosstones - The Impression That I Get. There's nothing like a bit of ska-lite to help you start the working day.

Fantastic!

My heart is bleeding

Yesterday I caught out of the corner of my eye a quote from James Skelly of The Coral, which had made in into the 'quotes of the day' bit in the Times. The general gist of this quote was that he gets so pee'd off with having to sing the same songs over and over on tour, that he has to take 'substances' as he is so bored.

Well boo-hoo. Isn't that they saddest thing you ever did read? Oh, poor The Coral. Having to squeeze onto a crowded bus/tube/train and not even get a seat for most of the way home. And then when you do get a seat you end up being squashed by the fattest person they have ever seen. Who smells really, really bad. Oh no wait, they travel by private tour bus. Poor The Coral, having to spend their days in a job they hate, having their creativity slowly drained out of them by the everyday 9-5. Oh no wait, they're successful rock stars. Poor The Coral, going home to a flat that has somehow got messier since you left it this morning. Oh no wait, they get to stay in top hotels, where people on minimum wage get to tidy up after them. Poor The Coral, not having anyone appreciate how hard they work. Oh no wait, they have fans, who spend their hard-earned cash buying their music and going to see them on tour.

Ungrateful, miserable, pretentious bloody rock stars. Shut the **** up!

Modern day classics

So at the wedding reception on Saturday night we were discussing modern day classics of the popular music variety. (Well we sure as hell weren't eating buffet. Woah!) I think we ended up with a list of four before our attention wandered to something else. Funny how none of them reflect the music we usually listen to. We defined 'modern day classics' as songs that we will be dancing to when we are pensioners at tea dances, or songs that we will listen to in our old peoples home. Yes, we will all be in the same one. It's kinder to the rest of the future OAPs if we stick together.

1. Crazy in love - Beyonce. Mr Librarian was laughing at me last night after I gave 'She has lovely hair' as one of the reasons I would like to be more like Beyonce. Well, she does and I would.
2. Hey ya - Outkast. The only time I have actually seen people dance at a house party, like they do on tv, was to this song. I will hobble over to the other side of the residents lounge to sing "Lend me some sugar, I am your neighbour" to my good friend High Powered Librarian. 'Cus she is my neighbour, you see. It makes us laugh every time. I will probably have to set off as soon as the song starts to make it in time. I will have a zimmer frame by then. It will be pink. Excellent.
3. Toxic - Britney Spears "It's all over the place" as one of the menfolk commented at the time.
4. Anything by Kylie. Gawd bless 'er. Probably 'Can't get you out of my head' so Mr Librarian can tell us the story of how one of the dancers in the video looks like Billy Corgan.

Any more for any more?

Good relations with the Wookies I have

The new Star Wars kicks ass. Stop whatever you are doing now and go and see it. Seriously. The coolest bit of any of the six films is in this one, you'll know what I mean when you see it. I'm not going to spoil the plot (As if you didn't know that by now anyway) let's just say that it involves Yoda and a coupla dudes in red.

My only one gripe - the wonderful Temeura Morrison. Wonderful yes, but I just couldn't take the clones seriously. Ever since we first saw Jango Fett in episode two I have had to battle to stop myself from standing up, waving at the screen and shouting "He can't be a baddie, it's Dr Ropata from Shortland Street"! Oh, no, I do have another gripe. The Lovely Ewan's beard was looking like the kind of beard that men drop food into by the end. Oh well, I suppose you can't fight the Sith and keep your beard trim all the time. Such is the life of a Jedi.

Are you still here? Go to the cinema and see it now you must!

Nil points

It's that time of year again - Eurovision! I don't think I can really do it justice by trying to explain what it is. And also it would make me sound like a crazy lady, as it really doesn't make that much sense. You either love it or hate it.

And I love the Eurovision Song Contest. How much do I love it? When I was a presenter on Hospital Radio I had a special Eurovision show every year. I very nearly wrote my undergraduate dissertation on it. One of the best Father Ted episodes ever was 'Song for Europe' the eurovision mickey take (and yes, you will have 'My lovely horse' stuck in your head all day now, sorry!).

Two years ago I threw the best party I have ever thrown, and all for the love of eurovision. I spent about a month beforehand sneakily making my own bunting at work by printing flags from the internet, they were laminated and on string and everything. I also made stickers that said 'Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be...' and everyone got to choose a name out of a hat and be the representative of that country for the evening - and there was a prize for the winning country, which was Belgium. We had food and drink from all over the eurovision land, sangria, fondue, olives, crisps (ah, crisps, the international food). It was an excellent night. I am allowed to blow my own trumpet over this one, although I can provide email addresses of people who were there if you don't believe me.

Last year I was still on my round the world trip when it was on. I know the 'euro' bit of eurovision isn't always spot on, but I think asking the Americans to join in might be stretching it a bit too far. Although one of the guests at the ace party (see above) was an American, and it was his first eurovision, and he loved it, so you never know. So this year I was really looking forward to it, I was going to throw a small party (I live in the world's smallest flat now, any more than 2 people and it's an instant party anyway) and have a splendid evening. But I can't (selfish stomp of foot). I'm going to a wedding. Which will be fun, I'll get to see my friends, and see the fruition of two years hard planning, and eat buffet and wedding cake and get drunk. But I'll be missing my eurovision.

So this morning I made the somewhat geeky decision to video (remember them dvd fans?) the whole contest and watch it when we get in. So, 11pm tomorrow evening, it's going to be me, my other half, Mr and Mrs Booky B, maybe one other wedding escapee, the remainder of last weekends pirate party rum, cold pizza and the dulcet tones of Terry Wogan, gawd bless 'im. This year we don't stand a chance. First of all we're on second. No-one remembers the people who are on 2nd to about 18th. And besides, you should hear the entry for Norway. Lookin' like The Darkness after a cake eating binge.

Rock and roll people. Rock AND Roll.

Yesssssssssssss!

Two excellent things that have happened and it's not even 10AM yet!

1. Finally, I managed to register with a GP. I have been back in the country precisely one year today. Yey! Now I can be ill to my hearts content.
2. I got tickets to see The Cat Empire in July! Double yey!!

I love me for being so easily impressed.

Which line is clearer P R E N T or F D R U G?

Or: 'Having your eyes tested'.

Which I did today. Eventually. I have been wearing glasses for a fair few years now (17), and I swear it has never taken me 90 minutes to get my eyes tested before. Ninety freakin' minutes! So, I arrive five minutes before my appointment like they told me to and the lady I speak to says "You've never been here before have you?" and I say "Yes, for the past six years". I'm not too surprised at this as the opticians that I use are famous for losing peoples records. So I sit down, and five minutes later I get called to check my details. They have my old address. This also is no surprise, after all I did only inform them of my change of address that one time. The same woman asks me "So, you've never been here before?" And I say "Yes" . This time I emphasize the "yes" so that she can really understand me. She asks me "Do you drive?", "Is there history of glaucoma in your family?", and "Is there history of diabetes in your family?". I answer the questions, I change my address (again), I go and wait.

Five minutes later I get called for a 'pre-test'. A what? A pre-test. Where they 'electronically measure your eyes' (for full effect you really should've read that in a Dr Evil voice). The pre-test man says "So, you've never been here before?" when I tell him through gritted teeth that I have he goes to find my records. He can't find them. He asks another woman who has helpfully taken my records out of the cupboard but not bothered to give them to anyone. Pre-test man comes back and takes magic pictures of my eyes with his magic machine. I go and wait. For thirty minutes. Then the optometrist (when did they stop being opticians?) comes to get me. I sit in the chair, and she says (with my records, all six years worth of them in front of her) - "So, have you been here before?". "Yes!!!". Then she asks me asks me "Do you drive?", "Is there history of glaucoma in your family", and the good old favourite "Is there a history of diabetes in your family?". I am not kidding. When the question asking is over I get my eyes tested. Those crazy green and red circles! They catch me out every time. So the long and shortsightedness of it is that my eyes are as rubbish as ever, but no more rubbish than before. Yey!

Then I go and wait for my contact lens test. I go in and a small boy who is obviously there without his mum knowing, is going to test my eyes. But before he does, he has some questions. Small boy optician asks me "Do you drive?", "Is there history of glaucoma in your family", and, you guessed it - "Is there history of diabetes in your family?". However I will forgive him for being the fourth person to ask me these questions when they have the answers in front of them, as he didn't laugh at me when I got my left and right mixed up. The answer to "Do you drive?" is "No", I hope that makes you all feel a bit safer. I was given some new-fangled ultra-modern space-age lenses to try for two weeks to make sure that I like them/they don't blind me. Anyhoo, I am at the counter explaining that this eyetest should be free as they cancelled my last one but 'forgot' to tell me, and so to keep me sweet they gave me freebies, when the woman says "Do you want to set up a direct debit now?" Excuse me? Do I want to give you my hard earned cash for lenses I haven't tried? NO! Then as she knows she isn't getting me to pay for lenses I may never have, she tries another tack. "Are you getting new glasses?". You can almost smell the desperation for commission in that place.

God, your fed up of reading this, I'm fed up of writing this, imagine how tedious it was actually being there. To cheer myself up I went to buy a new kettle. Beautiful.

P.S. If you're wondering how the pirate vs ninja party went, check out Booky B, she has it down to a tee.

From the window of a number 3 bus

On the bus home from work yesterday I saw three things in Brixton that really made me smile. The first and by far the best thing I have ever seen from the window of any bus, anywhere in the world, ever: there was a guy playing bongos outside the tube station, he was pretty good. But wait! This isn't the best thing - the bus stopped a little way past bongo man and something caught my eye. There was a dad walking down the street and a couple of steps behind him was this 5 or 6 year old kid. When the kid heard bongo man he went mental! He was dancing, waving his arms around, shaking his head, this kid had so much rhythm he made Beyonce look like a bad dancer. And the best thing about it was the fact that the dad had no idea he was doing it! When that kid gets into clubs, he's going to be fighting the ladies off.

Then, we get a bit further down the road and I see a man, who is, hmm how shall I put this? A little on the 'plump' side. Eating a burger, with a fag on the go. Wearing a tracksuit and with a Nike key chain round his neck. Oh, the delicious irony.

And then down the road to...a girl changing her bra in a front garden whilst having a conversation with her friend and looking for all the world as though what she was doing was in no way wierd. She was swapping a white one for a blue one, fact fans.

All this cheered me up so much that I didn't even mind that the bus smelt even wierder than usual.

But I don't even like Star Trek...

Your Deadly Sins

Sloth: 60%

Envy: 20%

Gluttony: 20%

Greed: 0%

Lust: 0%

Pride: 0%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 14%

You will die with your hand down your underwear, watching Star Trek.

Stop being so smug and see if you fare any better, smart arse: http://www.blogthings.com/howsinfulareyouquiz/

Answers on a postcard please

So, as Bookish Barbara (or Booky B as I'm going to call her from now on) has already mentioned was are indeed off to a Pirates vs Ninjas party tomorrow night. That's a 30th birthday party by the way. Mmm hmm, you heard me - 30. Three O. I love my friends! I can't tell you what we brought the birthday girl as it might spoil the suprise, but you can bet your pirate ass it's an excellent gift for a 30 year old. I'm going as a pirate (thanks to these good folks) and my better half is going as a ninja. Or he will be if he can get his fabulous ninja moustache to stick on his face.

However, one thing concerns me about this party. We got the invite on the 24th of March and have been talking/texting/emailing/throwing cocktail parties in it's honour ever since (yes we had a party to plan the party. Hey, we're librarians, we 're just that bit more organized/anal/obsessive than the rest of you people). So come Monday, just what the hell are we going to talk about?

Answers on a postcard...

A bit of protest for a Wednesday morning

Fellow pop-fans,

I call on you to go and sign this! A more worthy cause I never did see. The fringe in question is that of the lovely Alex Franz.

http://www.PetitionOnline.com/fringe/

Do it ladies (and gents). You all know how the removal of the fringe also meant the removal of him as my pretend celebrity boyfriend. Although I am having a lot of pretend fun back with Ewan McGregor.

Yours, in anticipation of a new fringe and tight trousers headin' my way,

Lady Librarian

P.S. Women of London. Think about it. It's either sandal and bare leg weather, or winter coat weather. One or the other. Stop wearing both. You are messing with my mind.

Hunting high and low

Ahh! What is the name of the other bloke in A-ha? You know, the one who isn't Morton or Pal.

I've been off work ill this past couple of days and I keep seeing the advert on TV for 'The Definitive' A-ha. Get them, no 'Best of' or 'Greatest' for these 80's pop gods. The definitive. And it didn't even bother me until today when I heard The Killers new single, and I thought, "this synth-drumming is worthy of A-ha" and then I thought of Morton, and had a little giggle that Pal's name is Pal (who would name their child after dog food?) and then realised that I couldn't remember the other chaps name. This either means that a) I'm losing my mind at the age of 28 or b) I wasn't paying enough attention to Smash Hits! in the 80's.

Now I know that I could google them and make my life easier, as it's now five hours since I first realised that I have a mid-80's blank. Maybe I'm just trying to forget the sight of looking over my back garden fence and seeing both my next door neighbours wearing identical pink floral puff ball skirts. Anyway, I will not give in to the google! I will remember!

Think, brain, think!

The clue is in the title

This really just happened...

Man on TV: the Trans-Siberian Railway runs from Moscow to Vladivostok...
Woman on TV: So, does the Trans-Siberian run through Siberia?
Me: What the...?

I suppose this is what you get for watching QVC of a Sunday evening. (Other shopping channels with equally stupid presenters are available)

P.S. For those of you still wondering, yes, the Trans-Siberian railway really does run through Siberia. See, you do learn something new every day.

So I was at a hen night last night...

...and we were talking about this coming Thursday, the General Election. Yeah, I know we should have been talking about either a) the joys of marriage or b) fanciable males, but hey, we are enlightened young ladies. And we were only on our first bottle of wine.

So you should vote people, you have to! Don't make me get all "women died for our right to vote" on you. And if you can't decide then maybe this will help.

That's all. Carry on.